Surviving Psychological Violence
One of the most difficult aspects of psychological (non-physical) violence is that it is so hard to identify. People in psychologically violent relationships tend to see things from the perspective of the abuser (whether that is a spouse, a family member, a co-worker, or a supervisor) because doing so is a key way of coping with the relationship. This means the victim may believe all sorts of things that are not true simply because the abuser has said so.
The first step, then, is to recognize that the violence is going on. Sometimes we fool ourselves. We really want things to be okay so we downplay our fear and all the adjustments we have made in order to appease the abuser. In order to recognize non-physical violence you almost have to step outside the situation and look at it as if you were a stranger. Talking with a friend about what is going on can help, as can finding support groups on the web (keeping in mind that if your abuser has access to your computer, you may not want to use it to find support).
Getting out of such a relationship is challenging because the abuser will not react well to change and because the non-physical aspect of the violence makes it slippery in one’s memory. At the time it happens, something hurts almost unbearably badly. In retrospect, under the stress of the relationship changing, the same incident can look better than it was. It is helpful to retain physical forms of evidence such as letters, memos, texts, and answering machine messages that reflect the violence so you can hold to the line you have drawn by deciding to leave.
Being in a violent relationship is stressful. Psychologically violent relationships in some ways are worse than physically violent relationships because the psychological violence takes much longer to heal.
Getting out of a relationship is also stressful. As you make the choice to get out of such a relationship, realize that the stress of being in the relationship does not lead to anything positive while the stress of leaving allows you to create your own life. Understand that psychological violence does not develop over night and ending the relationship will take time. Abusers get worse before they get better, particularly when their little empire is threatened.
Yet there will be a period of time, after all the chaos of leaving, where you will wake up refreshed and ready to start a new day with activities that you have chosen for yourself. That is the day when the stress of change will fade.