Anger Issues
People who are angry have a high need for control and an unrealistic set of expectations about the extent of their control. For example, they do not see a real need to control themselves (something that is reasonably within their abilities) and at the same time, they have the idea that if they control other people, they will cause other people to make them happy. They frequently do not really understand the perspectives of other people or that other people may want the same amount of control over things that they are claiming for themselves.
Along with the unpleasantness of their anger, they can also become a serious safety threat, as we all too frequently see in the news.
The first thing to do with an angry person is to head some of their problems off at the pass—to prevent problems. One way to do that is to find areas where they can have legitimate control and give that to them. For example, if there are two or three choices about something and you can let go of that choice, let the angry person make the decision and also find something honestly positive to say about the choice they make. This type of procedure can help to build a reserve of good feelings about you in the angry person and may also help you to build the kind of relationship where you can actually help the person make better choices.
Another thing to do is to avoid reacting in fear. Angry people get their way through intimidation. They actually do not know what to do when a person is not intimidated by their anger, so choosing not to react in fear will likely throw them off track.
Speak in a calm voice. If you raise your voice to match theirs, they will not be able to hear that they are out of control. If you keep your voice normal to even quieter than normal, at some point they will hear the contrast and will start to lower their voice.
Focus your part of the conversation on the issue at hand and problem solving around it. Think out loud about several choices that can be made in regard to the issue so that you are keeping your end of the conversation going without responding directly to accusations and so forth. Just because someone says something does not mean you have to respond to that particular thing.
If you do this, it is going to feel strange because you will not be engaging in the kind of problem-solving you do with a reasonably mature person. Instead, you may be doing a kind of quiet monologue about different ways a task can be accomplished while the other person is ranting. Eventually, that person will start to follow you. Offer the person a choice among options you can live with and that will give the person the satisfaction of some control.
Over time, as you establish a positive relationship with this co-worker, you may be able to tell him or her, “I’m on your side and I really want for us to get our jobs done in the best way possible.” You might even be able to recognize when something is about to be a problem and prevent a tantrum through reminding the person of past successes in problem solving.
These strategies will not work if the person has been getting dangerously angry for a long time; that may be time to call the authorities. Don’t hesitate to discuss the problem with higher ups or even law enforcement if you have fear that the person will become physically violent. But if a person seems to overreact in certain situations without threat of physical violence, these strategies can help you to establish the kind of positive relationship that will prevent problems in the long run.